The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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