Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
