I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
