that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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