I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
