Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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