Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
