Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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