he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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