just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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