Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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