so that wasnt chicken after all
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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