i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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