I'm gonna have a badass scar
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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