I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
