Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw