Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
