I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
