If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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