I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
