I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
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Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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