Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
