so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
