I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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