Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
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