and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
