New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
