You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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