weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
