Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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