seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
