i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
