Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
