You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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