On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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