On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
