My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
