apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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