apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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