i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
