I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I am naked and annoyed.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
