last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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