I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
