mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize