I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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