my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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