dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
