This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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