tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
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