now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
