I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
