I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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