so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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