Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
