I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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