I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
