you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
