so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
