I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
