dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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