I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
