I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
