As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
