you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
